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Jo Dee (jodee)
Board Administrator
Username: jodee
Post Number: 242
Registered: 06-2002
| | Posted on Friday, June 06, 2003 - 01:41 pm: |     |
My only concern is for my oldest who has no motivation to do anything, no real interest in anything.
Cheryl,
Yes, there are some who currently don't have a real interest in anything. Some is because they have no real reason for living (either they don't know that God really does have a plan for them, don't know what the plan is, don't truly know God, or are just plain selfish - yes, being lazy is being selfish) and some just because they haven't found their "thing" yet.
Your husband, especially since you are talking about your boy, needs to spend time in Bible study with your son to help him see that God is the reason for living your life, and living it to please Him. If not your husband, you or a trusted friend. Maybe even a group study with several fathers and their sons, which sometimes works better when the sons see each other in the same boat.
I'm sure you expose him to many things that could become an interest. Just keep it up.
Jo Dee
Nothing takes God by surprise! |
Cheryl Z (cherylz)
Senior Member
Username: cherylz
Post Number: 20
Registered: 06-2002
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 03, 2003 - 03:20 pm: | |
> Discussion/Questions/Confessions: 1. I have many friends who don't allow their children to question and test standards and principles.
I agree with JoDee, it is sad. If they can't talk to you, they'll talk to someone else and there is a good chance that other person might not share your standards. I have to admit, though, that I am often not a good one to talk to. I am too quick to jump to conclusions and not listen to them thoroughly. I'm working hard at that.
As far as clothing is concerned, I have relaxed somewhat with my oldest boys who don't like to dress as nicely as I would prefer. I had to decide that as long as they are clean and not wearing something offensive (and they don't own anything offensive, anyway,) stained or torn, that is OK. On some rare occasions mom and dad choose, though. Like a wedding, funeral, etc. My daughter is 10 and has very different opinions than I do on what she likes. This is hard for me. I am not into, and never have been into, current style trends. But I try to limit my criticisms to only immodesty, or obvious color miscombinations. When I have a problem with a clothing choice I'm working harder at calmly explaining my reason instead of just blurting out, "No, I don't think so!" 2. I was confused by their mention of "spiritual experiments". WHAT is a spiritual experiment? Can anyone explain this for me? Sorry, can't help you there!
3. What are your greatest challenges in this area, as the parent of a teen?
Dealing with opinionated people! When did they get so difficult, and who could they have learned THAT from? (Ha, ha!) My 14yo son actually told me once that he argues just for the sake of arguing. At least now I know that my suspicions were right! I have learned that as I raised them I have obviously given in too often to their nagging, because it's only gotten worse. I've had to get tougher with dealing with that.
My only concern is for my oldest who has no motivation to do anything, no real interest in anything. I have to admit that we have gone against all the Moore advice on how to avoid/fix it - no fiction, very little to no TV, video games, etc. But, my dh doesn't agree with all that and enjoys it himself, so doesn't see the problem. Plus, to eliminate it at this point, I believe would lead to direct rebellion. All their friends at church do the same things, so we'd be the weird ones. I've just been racking my brain trying to come up with other activities to get them away from the other ones. 4. What evidences do you see of your preteen/teen growing in his/her own spiritual relationship with God? My 12yo son asked for a devotional book a few months ago. He has some real interest in spiritual growth, I believe. He has also questioned me on how can we really KNOW that God exists? He seemed hesitant to ask, but he did (yippee!) I told him about my doubts about the same thing in the past and pointed out the fact that we are even here and all the wonders of creation and the miracles I've witnessed. All those show me that God must exist.
My 14yo doesn't talk much - never has. And he is very private about everything, so I have no clue about his relationship with God at all. That worries me the most. He does talk about the foolishness of those who believe in evolution rather than God creating everything, so I know he believes God exists, I just don't know that he has any real RELATIONSHIP, yet. "I am also discovering the lines between my own judgemental actions versus a truly biblical view. UGH! I never realized just how much legalism is bound up in my heart, until I had kids! LOL!" Me, too!!
Cheryl in IL |
Jo Dee (jodee)
Board Administrator
Username: jodee
Post Number: 236
Registered: 06-2002
| | Posted on Monday, June 02, 2003 - 03:45 pm: | |
1. I have many friends who don't allow their children to question and test standards and principles.
I think this is very sad. If they don't question and test in their own minds, they won't make it their own. However, there are some areas where you have to decide if they are ready for independence, too.
For example, in the area of "bad" friends, is your child the leader or the follower? If they are the leader and the influence, this is a good thing. The hope there is that they will eventually be able to lead them to the Savior. However, some children are not strong enough for this, and they must not be allowed these types of friendships.
Same with clothing, are they mature enough to make the proper decisions?
2. I was confused by their mention of "spiritual experiments".
Haven't a clue.
3. What are your greatest challenges in this area, as the parent of a teen?
Right now my oldest is going through a questioning phase. She wants to make sure her faith is real. While she is not in rebellion or going off the deep end (it's not her personality) she is asking a lot of questions. This is her way of dealing with it. At least my first one is easy. Not all children will be.
I just have to make sure I make the time. Having three other children, and one under 2, and a husband who can be out of town a lot, is time consuming.
4. What evidences do you see of your preteen/teen growing in his/her own spiritual relationship with God?
Same as above, her questioning and wanting to know. She loves her Bible and loves to hear our pastor preach. She willingly talks about things that she sees as problem sin areas in her life and how to handle them.
Other Comments
I don't want my children to be "cookie cutter" kids. I want them to think! While I want them to have my faith and my values, I want it to be theirs.
I have made mistakes and I have sinned. When it directly affects my children, or if they saw me do it (which does directly affect them) I make sure to apologize and ask forgiveness. I also explain that I have to ask forgiveness from God. This is a good example. Don't pass the blame, you are the one who decides what to do.
During this time in our lives, we have had a lot of practice in prayer. We have seen many answers, too! This is great not only for my husband's and my own faith, but for our children's, too. They can see that God is real! Maybe the best thing that can happen is for a trial that can only have one answer - GOD!
With all we have been through in regard to finances, no job, little income, etc. We are much happier. Why? God has taken care of us and we know He is in control!
Jo Dee
Nothing takes God by surprise! |
Susan (susan)
Moderator
Username: susan
Post Number: 175
Registered: 05-2002
| | Posted on Sunday, June 01, 2003 - 08:14 am: | |
This section is only one page long. But like a carton of concentrated orange juice, packs a whallop!
How do we help our children continue to grow closer to God during this period between childhood and adulthood? What do they really need? How can we accurately model the Christian Walk for them?
Tasks our teens need to accomplish:
1. They need to test the stability and validity of our principles.
2. They need to test the stability and validity of God's Word.
3. Establish their personal style and choice of identity.
4. Consciously establish their own personal principles, and test these.
5. Memorize Scripture.
6. Investigate the differences between how he relates to others and how he relates to God.
Tasks Parents Need to Accomplish:
1. Make sure personal walk reflects accurately the principles we want to see in our children.
2. Keep a journal of the times when we have chosen God's way over our own and how God responded.
3. Help our children seen when they should take their problems to God and wait on His solutions rather than us as parents solving it for them.
4. Regularly pose real-life situations and help the child find principles that apply. Act on these and document the results.
5. Express your approval of principled actions, giving specific texts which show God's approval for those choices and actions.
6. Hold child accountable for scripture memorization.
Useful mentoring approach:
1. Be prepared to acknowledge and cooperate with God to correct your own shortcomings. This will earn the respect of the child.
2. Watch prayerfully for opportunities when the child is receptive to receiving spiritual guidance.
3. Create "spiritual experiments" and help the child follow through on these.
4. Leave notes of encouragement for your teen to find when you aren't around, at least every other day.
5. Keep the lines of communication open, learning what makes the teen comfortable.
6. Encourage questions, as long as respectively asked, and answer with equal respect.
7. Provide regular opportunities to work and play together, just to "tie strings", not with any hidden agenda on your part.
Discussion/Questions/Confessions:
1. I have many friends who don't allow their children to question and test standards and principles. This is very hard for me. What if your child wants to dress in a way that you feel is inappropriate (not necessarily immodest), or listen to music that is inappropriate? What if your child doesn't want to attend Sunday services, or wants to establish friendships with others who are a bad influence? Where is the line between allowing him to test and explore and "establish his own personal style", as the Moores put it?
I know of a family whose 16yo has rebelled strongly over the past year. I can't help but wonder if because they never allowed him to respectfully question or form his own opinions, perhaps they actually pushed him away instead of drawing him in.
Sarah doesn't always wear what I would like her to, but she does stay within our family standard of having her clothes clean, modest, and appropriate for the situation. Within those three boundaries, though, she has quite a bit of freedom to develop her own likes and dislikes.
2. I was confused by their mention of "spiritual experiments". WHAT is a spiritual experiment? Can anyone explain this for me?
3. What are your greatest challenges in this area, as the parent of a teen?
4. What evidences do you see of your preteen/teen growing in his/her own spiritual relationship with God?
I think a good scripture for me as a parent to memorize to apply in these situations is Psalm 18:13 "If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame".
Many times I answer before my children have even finished what they are saying, chopping off their thought and squashing their ideas. I have already decided in my mind that they are wrong or thinking unbiblically, and so I "correct" them. I can see their countenances fall and the wall close in and they are not receiving what I am saying because of my self-righteous attitude.
I am also discovering the lines between my own judgemental actions versus a truly biblical view. UGH! I never realized just how much legalism is bound up in my heart, until I had kids! LOL!
Susan McGlohn
Homeschooling 9 years and counting 
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